Day 4

He solemnly put his head against the window and closed his eyes, reminiscing days past. His heavy built shoulders heaved up and down as he breathed loudly, giving an air of repressed superiority. He was wearing a khaki textured shirt that reminded him of his long lost son – lost on a foreign land, fighting a foreign war. His hair were held back in a pink band, a careless knot that he hurried through to get out of the two by four situation but the smell had distinctly followed him. He looked around at the sombre day that lay ahead of him, let out a deep sigh, and closed his eyes so that for a brief moment he could, without any excuse, journey back into the past.

 

“I like your hair tied back”, he mumbled to himself under his breath. He opened his eyes as words let out a mist of cold air from his mouth that hung onto the foggy window for a moment and then disappeared.

Could it be possible she had heard him this time? They say winds can carry words along distances and travel through time.

He closed his eyes again.

He felt the warmth of his wife’s cheeks against his.

 

The smell of fresh flowers enlivened the room and their embittered hearts. He sat on the chair next to the bed and with his damp hands, began playing with her fingers.

“Did you?” she asked with half open eyes, in a frail voice. He had been used to her loud whispers.

“Yes, my love”, he replied and reached out for the box on the table.

He took out the wig and gently placed it on her chest from where she could see it. She gave a faint smile.

“It’s just like mine,” she said, gently stroking the strands of hair that lay on her chest in a heap.

“Would you?” she asked.

He stood up from his chair and placed the wig on her head.

Her eyes looked up at him inquiringly.

He had given her one last smile.

 

He opened his eyes and rummaged through the shirt pockets for an office card. He sighed and closed his eyes again, recalling what was imprinted on the card he had acquired after a persistent search. He had to get off the bus. Distances bored him, and sitting down even more so. The lifeless bus lay before him as he resolved to cover the rest of the distance by foot. The pale stretch of pavements on either side of the road welcomed him. Seconds passed into minutes and half an hour later he found himself standing in front of the business he had so patiently waited for to become a part of. Written in neon, overhead, on a small four by two board was:

 

Wildean Wigs Co,

Mitty and Sons.

 

Word Count: 473

I used the term “Wildean” because Oscar Wilde would dress flamboyantly and I’m assuming he would wear a wig too. Though this has nothing to do with the story or my character. And, I used “Mitty” because recently I had watched The Secret Life of Walter Mitty. Again, no connection! Just thought the inclusion of recent experiences would aid me in getting more personal with my character. 

REVIEW 1

How was the central character portrayed and was this portrayal clear and interesting?

Yes and unusually so. This made the character more interesting.

What made you think this piece was a story and did you want to read on?

I would have liked to have known the back story yes. I think this story ended just in the right place. The two by four situation has e puzzled though, I’m not sure of its reference.

What were the most, and least, successful aspects of the writing?

The most are the questions it had me asking myself about what had gone on previously. The least, well there isn’t one really other than what o mentioned above.

REVIEW 2

How was the central character portrayed and was this portrayal clear and interesting?

This character interpretation is very creative, and the one character I picked for myself. I’m glad I didn’t use it, I could not have done that character justice. The inner dialogue works well. The character contrasts that pink hairband as masculine, then the softer side of a burly man by enjoying the scent of flowers and his calm language int the scene he imagines. You have used the previous lessons to good advantage.

What made you think this piece was a story and did you want to read on?

The wigs, in this story, are prominent and ties in well with the ending. So, I will have to say more than the curiosity of the back flash, is the tie in with the sign. I want to know more about this character and his family.

What were the most, and least, successful aspects of the writing?

The inner dialogue is good, and signals the flash back scene…which I think is the best among all the scenes. The transition to memory is, confusing. I think the placement of the sentence, ” He felt the warmth of his wife’s cheek against his.” Could possibly be a stand alone sentence, to have the effect the writer is looking for. Or, making it a continuous sentence with, “He closed his eyes again.” would keep it within the paragraph and, I think, transit into the memory easier.


The ragged old lady had two cats; one clung to her shoulder, and the other was wrapped in a warm embrace around her left arm. Amusingly enough, on her right arm, she carried a Pekingese dog in a leather bag which would bark ceaselessly till, in a hoarse voice, she would shout “Shut up you filthy little bugger!” Silence would ensue for a few moments till the dog would start whelping again.

For a few moments, I kept observing her with a keen eye. Had she not caught me staring at her horde of animals, I would have given a much more vivid description of her pets. But, she did. She gave me the strangest look one’s facial expressions could muster. It was a look of disgust mixed with utter hatred! Her eyes pierced through my soul and I felt a chill run down my spine. I quickly averted my eyes, but sensed her gaze was still glued on me. 
The dog had finally shut up and the whole bus had drowned in silence. I did not dare look back at her even from the corner of my eye, when all of a sudden I felt tiny, cold, paws on the nape of my neck.


 

Advertisements

One thought on “Day 4

  1. Q: How was the central character portrayed and was this portrayal clear and interesting?

    Ans: The central character is portrayed as a person who has seen a great deal of misfortunes in his life (in other words, he is a troubled soul) and one who cherishes the memories of past but is struggling to move forward. Even when he is sitting in a bus on his way to a new life (job at Wildean Wigs Co), he closes his eyes to ‘journey in the past without any excuse’ and feels the “warmth of his wife’s cheeks” … He is wearing a Khaki shirt in remembrance of his fallen son which somehow explains a great deal about his nature.
    And yes, he was portrayed well (would have been better if he interacted and had a conversation with someone on the bus or shared his view regarding the people other than the ones dear to him) and yes he was interesting. Pink hair bands undoubtedly makes you interesting if you are a guy!

    Q: What made you think this piece was a story and did you want to read on?

    Ans: The words “long lost son – lost on a foreign land, fighting a foreign war” and the pink hair band made me want to know more. Therefore I constructed things for myself because I believed there was more to his story. It made me assume certain unsaid things. I thought maybe the story behind the pink hair band, his mumbling “I like your hair tied back”, his wife’s wig (who is laying with her wig on her chest. Maybe she is in a hospital, a cancer patient of terminal stage who has lost her hair after chemotherapy) is some context from his past life. Because he wishes that maybe ” winds can carry words along distances and travel through time.”

    Q: What were the most, and least, successful aspects of the writing?
    Ans: The lines between the lines was the most successful one and the least was: well, I am not good enough to point that.

    Overall (Y) !

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s