Jokes at the Edinburgh Festival Fringe

the best…

1. Tim Vine – “I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.”

2. David Gibson – “I’m currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone.”

3. Emo Philips – “I picked up a hitchhiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.”

4. Jack Whitehall – “I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say ‘bought’, I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid.”

5. Gary Delaney – “As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.”

6. John Bishop – “Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day.”

7. Bo Burnham – “What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names.”

8. Gary Delaney – “Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it’s what he would have wanted.”

9. Robert White – “For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: empty.”

10. Gareth Richards – “Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food, or, if you can’t be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…”

…and the worst

Sara Pascoe – “Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side.”

Sean Hughes – “You know city-centre beat officers… Well are they police who rap?”

John Luke Roberts – “I made a Battenberg where the two colours ran alongside each other. I called it apartheid sponge.”

Emo Philips – “I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it’s hard to find 32 of them.”

Bec Hill – “Some of my best friends are vegan. They were going to come today but they didn’t have the energy to climb up the stairs.”

Dan Antopolski – “How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb? Juan.”

Doc Brown – “I was born into the music industry. My dad worked in Our Price.”

(via Yahoo)

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s